Why has this taken so long?
It’s fair to say that I’ve been putting this off ever since I created my website. The blog section has been hidden and empty for over 2 years. The reason? Well, there's not a short and simple answer to that question, but I’ll try to put some order to my thoughts in response to it. In doing so, it’ll give you some insights into me as a fellow flawed human. I’ve just had 2 pretty strong coffees, which is apparently helping this process.
Procrastination. I’ve been a highly proficient procrastinator all of my life. I distinctly remember pulling all nighters before essay deadlines at university while studying for my first degree. Prior to that, I left the bulk of actual learning and revision until the last 3 months before my A Level exams. This created an inordinate amount of stress and I isolated myself to suffer this self-imposed, deserved punishment. When I returned to studying to train as a counsellor, I improved and was much better organised, until it came to the case study at the very end. I swore my way through that particular purgatory, with regular childlike tantrums and general grumpiness (sorry Sam, I know I was hard to live with and thank you for your endless patience and support). When I properly reflect on this trait, I realise just how big a part perfectionism plays for me. I avoid until I can avoid no longer for fear of producing something that isn’t perfect; it’s a defence mechanism. Of course, I know perfection is unattainable, but I have held on to a belief that I should be able to achieve it. Ironically, and sadly, my remarkable ability to procrastinate (I have happily cleaned the toilet rather than study) has meant that I denied myself the opportunity to achieve the levels of excellence I know I’m capable of. I’m not sure I’ll ever conquer it completely, but what has really helped is embracing the concept of ‘good enough’. I never achieved the top grades at any stage in my education, but I did well and I can now genuinely feel proud of my achievements. Fully embracing ‘good enough’ is liberating, it really takes the pressure off, so I would encourage any and all of my fellow procrastinators and perfectionists to try it.
Who cares what I think? It has felt like a really important question and I nearly always arrive at the same answer - no one. My answer conveniently gives me a perfect and logical reason not to publish my thoughts. I tell myself that my voice is not important and that no one in the right mind would want to listen. After all, ‘I have nothing of any note to say’ I tell myself. My inner critic is very vocal on this matter - the irony of this is not lost on me. Frequently when working with my wonderful clients, we spend time focussed on developing their voices and encouraging them to speak their truth to others; it’s incredibly important for them that they articulate their thoughts, feelings and needs to others. It’s a particular issue for those with strong people pleasing tendencies, those who’ve consistently sacrificed their needs to meet those of family or friends. I know the contradictions and hypocrisy here are ridiculous, but my own self-critical internal dialogue does at least help me empathise with my clients. There comes a point though when I have to add modelling to just cheerleading. It’s bloody scary though, so be gently honest with me.
Everyone else is better. I’m sure this one comes largely from social media and the general proliferation of content available via the net. Like many, I read quite a lot online and everyone else blogging, writing posts and sharing their experiences seems to be so much more articulate/knowledgeable/pithy/funny/successful/authentic etc. etc. than me. This plays havoc with my insecurities and provides massively calorific fodder for my inner critic. What this means is that I mainly just repost the words of others on Instagram and when I do write something myself, I think it’s adequate at best and have this overwhelming urge to delete it as soon as it’s posted. The unavoidable truth is that there are a lot of people - thousands, millions even - who are and will be better than me at this, but that the measures we apply are mostly subjective. I know that comparison is a well trodden route to misery, but I guess we’re all guilty of it sometimes. I’m slowly becoming okay with it, but also actively trying to do less of it. The only really important gauge lies in my own thoughts and feelings and perhaps, just maybe, I am good enough.
There you have it, some insight into why it’s taken me so long to do this. You now know a little more about me and can already see that I’m as perfectly flawed as you and everyone else that walks this tiny planet. I’m fighting the urge to select all and delete. My often absent inner cheerleader is saying, ‘Come on Andy, hit the fuck it button and just click on publish!’. So I will. Oh shit oh shit oh shit…
Write by Andy
